[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
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*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
no such thing as a dumb question
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Should I call tech support or pray or what
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?