Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
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husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”