PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
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The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
i dont have time for this
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.