robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
You Might Also Like
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit