She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
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Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”