Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
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I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
The French cow says MEUX…
when you don’t want to be too vague
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
crazy
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup