[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
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me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Best mom ever 😂
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
True statement👍😏😁
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.