“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
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SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.