Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
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When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.