PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
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HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.