Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
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‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
what
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.