Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
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Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?