I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
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family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*