Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
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Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.