this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
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“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.