My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
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My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”