I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
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I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
When I said I liked it rough.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
My dog ate my work from home.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?