What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
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As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?