[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
You Might Also Like
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.