Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
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If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I love the National Park Service.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.