What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
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Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
New mindset, who dis?
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
My birthstone is a marshmallow