FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
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I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.