Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
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Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts