Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
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If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.