It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
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Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.