If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
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America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”