i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
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My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?