Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
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If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free