I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
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MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed