GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
You Might Also Like
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Lol
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
just gave your address to some spiders
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes