all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
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windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.