Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
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VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)