ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
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[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Um … Hot Wings please
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives