My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.