Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
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If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower