I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
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Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.