Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
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lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Nothing to do, you say?
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.