*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
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Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.