What kind of a cult is this?
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
guys I’m going home
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
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Me: Same
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
My safe word is Worcestershire
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
you have three unread messages
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?