[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
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Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.