sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
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He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
getting groceries
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy