Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
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I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’