early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
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I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Ion see the issue
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM