podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
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I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.