It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
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The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”