My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
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the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
not seeing the problem
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?