Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
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Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
🙁
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.