Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
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Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
he looks great for his age
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
why he move like a hotel transylvania character