I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
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Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
what kind of cook setting is this??
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.