[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
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When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…